How to Say No at Work

So many of us don't want to say no even when we really should because we don't want to disappoint people, or we fear our career is going to suffer for it. Niamh, why is it important for us to say no, and what are some ways that we can do it?

 

Hello, hello, and welcome back to The Better Workday Podcast. How are you doing?

 

Today, we're talking about something that so many people struggle with, and that's how to say no without guilt, without stress, or damaging relationships.

 

If you've ever found yourself drowning in extra work or commitments because you've said yes when you really wanted to say no, you are not alone.

 

We've been conditioned to believe that saying no makes us unhelpful, uncooperative, or not a team player. But here's the truth.

 

Saying yes to everything isn't a sign of dedication. It's a one-way ticket to burnout and underperformance. Trust me. I know.

 

For many times early in my career, I overworked to prove I was capable. A lot of the roles I applied for and were successful in getting were beyond my current level of experience.

 

I was always the one stretching the limits in terms of how quickly and how far I could progress my career. And that was great, but the downside was I felt this need to prove myself, and so I always said yes.

 

Saying no to me felt like I couldn't do it, I was a failure, I wasn't a high performer, and all of those silly things. And so I took on so much work that I would end up working evenings, weekends, logging in at silly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep

 

'cause I was thinking about work. And inevitably, the work suffered. Because I was tired and because I was overworking, I wasn't my best self, so I wasn't as creative or as diligent or as thoughtful as I could be, and so the end result was never something I was truly satisfied with.

 

And so I'm a big believer in learning how and when to say no at work, and today we're going to talk about why saying no is so hard and why we fear it, what happens when we never say no, okay, just like I mentioned, and then most importantly, how to decline requests in a way that doesn't damage relationships or your career.

 

Okay, let's get into it. It's no wonder that it can be hard to say no at work because it feels uncomfortable.

 

You might be afraid of being seen as unhelpful or difficult. You might worry about missing out on career opportunities, disappointing your manager or your colleagues. That was a big one for me.

 

You might worry about risking job security, which I always worried about in my first six months in a new role.

 

Or maybe you just feel obligated to say yes. Perhaps everyone else around you is doing it, and you feel that's the done thing. A lot of us have been raised with the idea that good employees always say yes. I know I'm in that bucket.

 

I have grown up working part-time and then full-time, and I was always encouraged to take on the opportunity, you know, to say yes to what comes your way because it'll open future doors.

 

But the truth is, a strategic no, a well-placed no is better than a yes you resent or regret. What I would say is quite often, the problem isn't saying no. It's actually how we say no, and really learning how to say no properly can make a massive difference.

 

Now, before we get into how to do that, let's talk a little bit more about what happens when you never say no. First of all, over-commitment means more stress, which results in underperformance, as I mentioned earlier.

 

When you agree to everything, your workload balloons beyond what's manageable, and you're constantly switching between tasks, trying to juggle everything, and that leads to reduced focus and lower quality of work.

 

I have made many silly small mistakes when I was overworked that I never would have made if I had been properly managing my workload and my breaks and my balance.

 

And honestly, instead of being seen as dependable, you might end up being seen as overwhelmed, unreliable, or burnt out. Really, it creates a cycle of expectation because the more you say yes, the more people expect you to say yes.

 

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "If you want something done, give it to the busiest person in the room." That is not a good thing. That is not a good thing.

 

I was trained early in my years to believe that was a good thing because if I was the busiest person in the room, maybe that meant I was trusted with the most responsibility and I was so efficient and effective.

 

No, no, no. It just meant I had no boundaries. And people will keep asking for help because you've trained them to expect a yes, okay? You have set that expectation.

 

Finally, you know, when you never say no, you lose control of your own priorities. Always when you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to something else, and if you're constantly saying yes to other people's priorities, your own will suffer.

 

And look, this could be in your professional life. It could also be in your personal life. I'll tell you a personal story about this. So I was... When I was pregnant with my first child, there was a lot happening in the role I was in.

 

I was working in a software company, and they were trying to solve a problem, and the meeting, they wanted to have the meeting, we'll say it was 1:30 on, in the day. I had my first scan for the baby

 

2:00 at Right? that day. And I did not say no to the meeting because

 

I was afraid being seen as unhelpful. as Also, I was afraid of being seen as less committed now that I was pregnant. I know that's bananas when you say it out loud, but that's where my head was, that there were my limiting beliefs, and I was really worried about being seen as unreliable now. Right? So I wanted to show up.

 

But what happened was, I dialed into that meeting on time from my car in the car park.... before I went to the scan. I was stressed, so stressed trying to get that meeting finished, trying to get to my scan on time, that when I went into the scan, they could obviously see how stressed I was, and I ended up being signed off sick for one or two weeks to try and recover and calm down.

 

So, it did me no good. I probably wasn't the best person on that call, I was so distracted, and nobody won in that situation. So, the real risk, you know, isn't not just saying no, it's losing control of your time, what you're paying attention to, and ultimately your wellbeing in some ways.

 

So, it's time to get practical now because you know I'm practical, and I want to give you some steps to say no at work without harming your relationships. A lot of people want to be able to say no at work, but we also don't want to work in a culture where everybody says no to everybody else, because then where are you gonna help each other out?

 

And there needs to be a balance. And so, it's as much about understanding that no is the right answer as how you say no. And to do that, the first thing I recommend, step one, is to always pause before responding.

 

Instead of saying yes immediately, give yourself some time. You know, for example, you can say, "Let me check my workload and get back to you," or my favorite is, "Can you give me five minutes?"

 

And most people will give you five minutes. And this helps you avoid that knee-jerk reaction of saying yes, and you can assess the request properly.

 

Look, you might need to ask a few questions, um, to assess that request before you decide. So, you could ask, "When is it due?"

 

And I always ask to understand, when is it going to be used? Which is a much better question to ask. Let's say, for example, they ask you to do a report.

 

You could say, "Oh, when are you going to use it?" And you might realize, and they might realize, that it's not as urgent as it seems. You could ask, "What happens if it doesn't get done?" Or my preference, which is more positive, is, "What's going to happen next?" So you can understand the impact.

 

You could ask things like, "If I can't do this, is there somebody else you have in mind who could help?" And that always helps you understand whether or not you're being asked because you're the default or because you have a specific skill or relationship that can really help in this situation.

 

And, of course, you know, you can ask yourself then, "If we take the work on, what's going to drop?"

 

Okay. And I do have a list of clarifying questions, um, which you can download, and they're very similar to what I've just said. And these prompts are really helpful in slowing it down.

 

I've found over the years, I've used these questions time and time again, when I was a team member, when I was a manager, now that I'm running my own business, to really help others even understand what their request is. And sometimes the person who's asking for help realizes the request wasn't that urgent or necessary at all. So, it's really good.

 

Step three then for me is to reframe the opportunity, okay? So, if you're turning something down out of fear or discomfort, okay, reconsider. Take a moment to ask, you know, "Is this actually a growth opportunity for me?"

 

And I see this a lot when managers are trying to delegate to employees, and not all the information is there, and the employee hasn't done the work yet, and the skill confidence mightn't be fully formed, but it, it's, it's an opportunity. And if the employee takes it, it might be a bit wobbly, but there's a great growth and, you know, good news on the other side. So, always ask, "Is this an opportunity for growth?"

 

But, look, honestly, if it's just extra work with no real benefit, and you don't have the capacity to help, it is okay to look at saying no.

 

Now, if you are going to say no, I would always say, to be direct and honest without over-apologizing. Please avoid saying sorry unless you've actually done something wrong.

 

I spent years saying sorry. I know I'm not the only one. And it would go sometimes like this. "No, I'm sorry, I really can't do it because I'm really busy, and I'm really sorry, and I hope that you don't mind."

 

Uh, there is no need for that, okay? Like, you could just explain that you'd love to help, but right now you're working on three projects which are due in the next week or so, and so you don't have the space to be able to help. And if you did help, you'd be worried that not only could you deliver what they want, but the other things might be impacted as well.

 

And so, what we're doing here is we are giving a little bit of context, which I think is very good, I think it's respectful, and it also helps the other person understand why you're saying no.

 

Some people say, "You don't need to over-explain, you can just say you're busy," but I find that's really hard for the other person to understand what busy is. They don't know the ins and outs of your role, and, you know, they find it hard to grasp that. Whereas if you give just a little bit more context, just an extra layer, it can help that other person understand, because they might have to go back to their manager or to their team and explain why you're not helping.

 

So, help them even when you can't help them, if that makes sense. And then, you know, if you can offer an alternative, that would be great.

 

So, maybe you want to help, but you just can't take it on. So, you could say, you know, "I can't take on all of it, but I'd be happy to review the final draft." Or, again, one of my clarifying questions is, "Which area do you need the most help with? So, let me see if I can help you with that."

 

Or maybe, "Can you wait a week or two and I could be able to help you then?" So, really start looking at how you can make a solution together rather than just saying no.

 

If there are no alternatives, it's important for you to set boundaries with confidence and to practice doing that. If you've been known as the go-to person, people will test your limits, just out of habit, to be honest with you, because they're used to you saying yes.

 

So, you do need to retrain others to respect your boundaries. And, look, this happened to me when I was working in a multinational company and we had lots of different time zones. I was working with the US,

 

India, people in Australia, and really, I was always on, it resulted in me being exhausted, obviously.I had to slowly start and clawing back my time boundaries so that, yes, I was available sometimes in the evening, I'll be honest, but it wasn't all day, all night.

 

And, look, it did a few things. First of all, no one died. That's important to remember. Okay? So, you know, it wasn't a life or death situation. Secondly, you know, we got used to setting expectations better, communicating more clearly, being more effective in the conversations we did have so that we didn't need to have those other conversations which were far outside my working hours.

 

And today, you know, in my current business, I could work 24/7 but I don't, and it helps me better serve my clients because I focus on what matters and I'm not tinkering around with other things just to fill time.

 

One of the challenges with saying no in hybrid and work environments, I think, is that we have to do it quite often in writing rather than in-person.

 

When you're in-person, you can make sure that your tone and your body language conveys that you are helpful, uh, but you have to say no at this stage, and you can sound firm but respectful.

 

Instead of always practicing name, saying no in-person or on the phone, I'd suggest practicing saying no in writing.

 

So team up with a colleague and send each other, you know, sample scenarios and practice writing no, and get feedback on how that's received by your colleague, your friend, and how you can tweak it, improve it. Because then what you might do is have a couple of drafts that you've saved, good paragraphs for saying no when being on the phone or being on Teams or being in-person isn't possible, because we have to consider the environment that you're working in.

 

Look, at first, it will feel uncomfortable, but over time, when you learn how to say no confidently, it will protect your time, it will protect your energy. It will mean that you're working on the right things.

 

Now, honestly, there will be times where people don't take no for an answer. I've had this, so I'm sure you've had this.

 

You say no, you have no space in your week, you've tried all the alternatives, and somebody, and this is usually somebody a lot worse than you in need of saying, "Yes, I understand what you're saying, but we just have to get it done."

 

You can restate your response and try not to let the pressure change your decision. But honestly, at that stage, I always recommend escalating it to your manager.

 

Okay? Escalate it to your manager, go through your workload, and get another perspective. Because if you're getting that much pushback, you might need the support of your manager to stay firm and to make sure your decision is respected, or you might need a perspective that you're not aware of.

 

So there was a time where I said no at work and it backfired completely. I said no because I was very, very, uh, full in terms of my work, and I was practicing my boundaries.

 

I said no. I got a really negative response. I went to my manager and I found out there was actually a bigger backstory happening, a more political play going on, and all that stuff, that is never written down on a document or on a spreadsheet.

 

And once I figured that out, then I got my manager's help to reallocate some other work that I'd been doing so that I could say yes to this.

 

My no was right with the information that I had, but when there was that much pushback, that's when you go to somebody else and get a different perspective. So, look, if somebody reacts negatively, first of all, that's their response, not your response. But also,

 

I recommend getting a second opinion. So this is it. Let's have a quick recap 'cause I know I covered a lot. First of all, saying no isn't selfish. It's not that you don't want to help people. Sometimes it's necessary. If you have got a full plate, if you've got a lot of work on, and you're not able to help somebody without compromising the other work, then sometimes you need to say no.

 

And the best way to say no is with clarity, so you understand what your workload is and you understand what the request is and why you're saying no, with honesty, you know, giving the other person a little bit of context so that they can bring that back to their team if they need to, and confidence.

 

Practice builds confidence. Practice saying no in-person, on the phone, or on Teams with, um, cameras off, and in writing by email. Practice with somebody that you trust.

 

And, look, when you set your boundaries, it does protect your time, which means that you can work on the things that matter most without compromising your wellbeing. Now, a little challenge for you for the week ahead, because I'm sure you're going to be asked to do something by somebody.

 

There's never a week that goes by that you're not asked to do something for someone, whether that's at work, And all I want you to do at home. is pause before you respond and assess whether you should say yes or no.

 

And that's it. I'd love to hear how this works for you. You can connect with me on LinkedIn, or as always, you can send me an email.

 

Until next time, stay well, and have a better work day. Thank you for tuning in. We hope you enjoyed this episode. The Better Workday Podcast is about helping you have a better workday, so we'd love to hear your thoughts and questions.

 

You can find our social media details as well as any references from this episode in the show notes.